How to get over a breakup? How to move on? These are relevant questions for many at many different stages of their lives. There is no one size fits all cookie-cutter formula for this stage of our lives. However, a general guideline applies to all of us irrespective of our backgrounds and age.
How can we generalize it you may ask? Well, because we are all humans. We are all made of flesh and blood and capable of feeling many emotions. The intensity of how much we feel will depend from person to person however more or less we all feel. So let us get into our feelings and process them and do some integration work.
First things first, my dear reader you need to acknowledge that the relationship is over. This part is very crucial because if you are ambiguous to yourself about the relationship’s status, you will be in a state of limbo. You will stay in a place of confusion and bypass your emotions as you are still holding hope for a patch-up. So the first step is looking at the mirror and asking yourself honestly is the relationship over? look into your eyes and state firmly that it is.
The second step is acknowledging that the end of a relationship means, the end of many future-related dreams and plans you had with the person. This is a loss that is not tangible but deeply painful. Heartbreaks are not visible but hurt nonetheless. The end of a relationship means the death of what was, what could have been, and many in-between moments that are very personal to you. Nobody else might understand this but, you need to sit down and accept this and move through this.
The only way to deal with something this painful is fully walking into the storm, feeling all the emotions and pain, and knowing that one day it will not hurt so much. Many people numb their feelings with substances and block out their emotions. This is a disastrous route to take because what you suppress will eventually build up and explode. So please do not run away from what is happening inside you.
Take a bunch of A4 size blank sheets, staple them together and start writing everything you want to tell this person. Let your rage out on this paper. Let your tears and fears come out of you and be written on the paper. This stage is crucial as you are letting it all out now in a safe space. You are crying your heart out and grieving for the past, present, and future. You are moving through the many stages of grief. You are letting yourself be human. You are being vulnerable in a safe space and safe container you have created for yourself.
You can shred the papers once you have used them up completely for the sake of your privacy. Always do this in a room where you will not be disturbed. It is highly important to hold yourself with gentleness and compassion at this stage and acknowledge that you are feeling raw. Do not judge your anger or sadness or beat yourself up for being a fool or not knowing better. You are human!
Once you have acknowledged the death of the relationship, processed your anger, sorrow, and feelings of abandonment, light a white candle to honor the joy, growth, and happy moments of the union you shared with your ex. This process is so important in your healing journey as you accept the goodness and integrate it into the current you. Reflect on the lessons you learned.
Journal prompts for this session are:
- Who were you when you were with that person?
- Who did you become during this relationship?
- What parts of you will you miss?
- Who did that person become when he or she was with you?
- What about them will you miss?
- What lessons did this person teach you?
- What lessons did you teach this person?
Depending on your age, gender, consciousness level, life experiences etc. your answers might be different. Try going deeper than staying surface level. Once you have done all of this work look in the mirror and say out loud ” I am ready to heal. I decide to heal and move on. I have got this!”
To integrate everything you were, you went through and who you have become a session or two with a therapist who specializes in relationships will be helpful. You will not blame yourself for what people did to you. But, you will do everything you can to heal yourself and live a beautiful life.