Losing my mind

Shaurya is a full on toddler now. He says no to everything and spits food. He hates his stroller and bed time is more like a war. I guess I should have enjoyed his infant times a little more. In this process of keeping him safe and myself sane I lost track of Soumya (myself ).

Well, few days back we celebrated completed 7 years of marriage and hubby ensured to spoil me with these goodies.

You must think I happily accepted and we had a romantic time. Well..

I accepted gratefully and sort of gracefully. Then my mind went unwise and I asked why was he spending so much money and I don’t have time for myself and we need to start saving. Result?  An annoyed hubby and a little squabble. Later when we decided to sit together and have our lunch that I served a while back, Shaurya managed to drop the entire plates filled with food on the floor. Yes, he has grown tall and we need to do the next stage of baby proofing or rather toddler proofing. (but we did that like last month right?? Ahh )

We had no lunch, hubby went back to work and Shaurya somersaulted from the bed and landed on the floor with a couple of bruises and a bleeding abrasion. Evening candle light dinner moment turned into a doctor’s visit. I cried a lot. I felt like a bad wife and a bad mom. Some days, I just cannot gather myself together. Is it difficult because I have not had a good night’s sleep since my 6^th month of pregnancy ? Is it because I am yet to be matured at the age 28? Or is it the same with all mommies?

I carried my howling toddler on my shoulders from the doctor’s clinic to the footpath and kept telling him” it’s OK baby” while he kept hitting on my face and kicking on my lower body. From afar I kept staring at my hubby doing payments and buying medicines. I had tears running down my cheeks because I missed him. I missed watching sunsets with him. I missed our long chats and oodles of giggling. Years back, I was that nerd with huge spectacles holding books 24/7 and he was the hunk with a sports car and lots of girls wanting him. He had it all. Still he chose me.

 And today?

Does he still love me? Is motherhood making the wife in me take a back seat?

I am losing my mind.

While we settle back in the car and switch on the radio the noise on my mind is washed out by the song. I stare at the dark sky and not so visible stars and mislay myself in the music. I love this song and it goes like this,

I’ll be your dream

I’ll be your wish I’ll be your fantasy

I’ll be your hope I’ll be your love

Be everything that you need

I’ll love you more with every breath

Truly, madly, deeply do

I will be strong I will be faithful

’cause I’m counting on

A new beginning

A reason for living

A deeper meaning, yeah 

Yes, Savage Garden Truly Madly Deeply it is. I looked at my hubby and softly said “happy anniversary”. He smiled and told me “Thank you for being in my life!”

I was falling in love with him yet again. Breezy night, light traffic, romantic music and Shaurya sleeping in his car seat. The drive back home was calm and dreamy.

I am losing my mind and heart and this time I am losing it to my hubby who saw my love and dedication and not my failures and imperfections!

The music is making me dizzy in love..

I want to stand with you on a mountain,
I want to bathe with you in the sea.
I want to lay like this forever,
Until the sky falls down on me…