The music is loud. Oh wait, Shaurya’s crying is louder. His throat infection episode is getting so difficult. My head is about to explode and the song is giving me some kind of agony that I can’t even verbalize.
It is Twenty one Pilots – Stressed Out going on its 100th repeat. One part of me wants to turn it off but, I just don’t really want to I guess.
“My name’s Blurryface and I care what you think”
Those lines just elucidate my current situation. It never mattered to me a few years back what people thought about me. But, now my quarter life crisis is kicking in and I am in a rat race that I don’t even understand much about. Well wait, who enrolled me in it anyways?
It was so easy in the fairytales. The Prince and Cinderella had a beautiful ever after. But, now, I realize that ever after comes with a catch. The world we live in today is so fast paced than ever before and the need to hurry to a nowhere is not helping this already tired mommy who wants to do a lot.
“So when are you going back to work?”
“You just have one kid and you think you know all about motherhood that you started blogging about it?”
“Goodness me your son eats chocolate and ice-cream?”
“Why are you not putting him in a play school and going for work?”
“Where are you guys planning to buy a house and settle down?”
“You are totally wasting your education by being a Stay At Home Mom!!”
“I thought you were ambitious and bright. So disappointed to see you sitting at home all day long”
“You have not potty trained him yet?” SHOCKED!!
It is like the society knows what I should do with my life more than I do. While my son is recovering from his throat infection and while I feel terrible about having to give him antibiotics, people think I could do things way better?
So the right thing to do is leave my tiny Shaurya in some stranger’s care so that I can earn? Make him wait until evening for his mom’s hugs and kisses? Say no to hot home cooked meals for my son so that my education won’t be wasted? I mean how does education get wasted in any case? Who came up with this concept anyways?
I have absolute respect for working mothers but, I despise the society that wants to judge a woman’s choice of giving up on her career journey temporarily for being a Stay At Home Mom. A woman who earned prior to her becoming a full time home maker, goes through phases of low self-esteem, missing own income and financial freedom and that agony is something she does not share with everyone. I go through that phase on a regular basis but, I wanted to do what was best for my son and for us as a family. My education benefits my son the most and this blog is a reality because of the same education.
I feel the societal pressure to be an impeccable woman but, I feel if I give in and fake perfection then, I am making it so much more difficult for Shaurya to live a happy and honest-to-himself kind of life. Keeping it real requires a lot of courage though.
He is sleeping on my lap while I pray for strength to be a good mother. Never knew growing up meant wearing masks of happiness and perfection that made others feel bad about their own lives. The song is comforting me as I feel the burdens of adulthood.
“Wish we could turn back time, to the good old days,
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out.
We’re stressed out.”